It's all a matter of perspective.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Mr. President,

First of all I hope that you are having a lovely vacation. I know how blistering it can be in Central Texas this time of the year and I hope that you are relaxing and beating the heat. Also allow me to congratulate you on how damn cool you look in a cowboy hat and sunglasses. No one has worn that look so well since J.R. Ewing had a liver transplant.

Now I have been doing some thinking. I have plenty of time to think between dating hot skinny models and waiting for my next movie to come out, and as we know, the opinions of celebrities in this country are learned and vital. I would like to offer a few simple proposals of things that our government could do to make life much happier in the heartland, a place that I have flown over many times while traveling from New York to L.A. or from L.A. to Rio de Janeiro.

The first thing that we have to do is save the environment. Now I live in Los Angeles and let me tell you that sometimes the smog is so bad that I have to forego a couple of cigarettes because I am having trouble breathing. Mr. Wizzard tells us that smog is from all the cars on the road. Just yesterday I loaded up in the back seat of my Lincoln Navigator to have my driver take me to Starbucks. Now my local Starbucks is only about a half a mile away, but it took us like thirty minutes to get there because of all the traffic. I could have walked there faster if I did not have to worry about all of the groupies attacking me. Besides, as I mentioned the air is smoggy and walking would have surely winded me. That is just too many cars. We should have some trains or something like they have over in London and France so that there would not be all those cars blocking out my Navigator. So that is my proposal, the federal government should provide lots of trains.

Another thing that the trains would solve, especially if you made them mandatory for most of the non-important people, would be the scourge of people driving while talking on cell phones. Now I do not have this problem, because as I mentioned I have a driver, but some of those stupid people out there are talking and driving and that is just not right. I have heard that is a very dangerous thing to do. They should be forced to hire a driver or face jail time. Once in prison, they could get the proper therapy that they need to overcome this addiction to endangering innocent celebrities.

Mr. President, now that I have admitted to having a cell phone, don’t think that you can get my digits. They are unlisted and only available to Victoria’s Secret models.

While we are talking about cars, there is something else that the government simply must address. It happens very often that I will be in a hurry to get to a nightclub to meet my posse and I will get stuck at a stop light. Well the light will turn green, but the car in front of me will wait a few seconds before it moves on. What blatant disrespect that is for me, an important movie star that is in a hurry. The government should mandate some kind of buzzer or something that goes off inside your car when a light changes to green. Or maybe these slowpokes should be forced to ride the Federal Trains if they are not going to get out of my way. I think it is so mean to honk at people, but I will sometimes tell my driver to do it if I think I might be late for my meeting at the Whiskey a Go-Go.

Don’t ask me how the government is going to pay for all of this. I am not very good with money myself. Lucky for me, I have more than I can spend so it is not a problem. Maybe you could raise the taxes on big evil corporations like Enron and the Red Cross. Maybe you could transfer some money from the military. Why do we need all those tanks anyway? When was the last time we had to use tanks on somebody? But the money thing will be for you to figure out. That is in your job description, and after all isn’t it the government’s job to take care of everybody?

Your friend and possible supporter,
Leo DiCaprio

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