Don’t feel sorry for me. There are several good things I can say about my life. First of all, my hair grows in to a natural pompadour and you just can’t beat that. Also my wife is beautiful and creative and has not seen fit to leave me for a more handsome man yet. I have two beautiful children who seem to not yet know the truth about me. I maintain a good attitude considering the daily challenge it is to lift the weight of my ever-growing gut. Also I have a few friends who encourage me by living lives that are every bit a sad and desperate as my own. I think it would be appropriate to mention that I have exactly two nipples, and I really believe that is precisely the amount one should have.