A Very Special Offer
From Nathaniel W. Greer
Attention veterans of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Merchant Marines, Security Guards, retired Postal Workers, members of Arnie’s Army, and Other People too. If you are over sixty-seven years, three months and twelve days old, and if you served in a time of war or in a time of peace, if you served in a time of day or a time of night, if you served time in a bottle and you own your own home; you could be eligible for this very special one-time-only offer.
For only pennies a day, just about the cost of a warm burrito, you can have something so much more valuable - piece of mind. Our company has hundreds of years of experience providing personal financial security and services to at least dozens of richly deserving people just like you. Since we are independent agents, representing many infinitely varied companies, we are better able to "shop" for the best product at the best price . . . depending on your age, health, weight, expectations, habits, friends and relations, history of drug use, experience in the sack, traffic record, and other criteria.
• Premiums are guaranteed never to be rice.
• Benefits guaranteed never to be Danish.
• Substantial barnacle build up year after year.
• An excellent way to pay for groceries.
• Helps to make up for lost clothing when one loses their shirt, say in Las Vegas.
• Normally provides full coverage on Day 1, except in your case.
Service - this is an often over used and under delivered commodity in business today. We put a major emphasis on service. It is not an idle promise. We eventually return phone calls. We care about what you need or want from your friendly service providing entity. We have extensive experience in our industry and are moderately willing to help you. All you need to do is contact us. For the love of God, please contact us. We take our responsibility to you very seriously. We understand your needs and concerns. We have kept you in our thoughts and prayers. Come on, who was it that talked you down during that bad acid trip? We thrive on providing the best possible service, which is the main reason the majority of our clients remain loyal to us. That and we are really the only ones doing this gig. Also we sometimes use the threat of selling your phone number to telemarketers.
Do you think you might be eligible? Would you like to join the constantly growing queue of moderately satisfied jokers like yourself? Contact us without delay. Time is of the essence. Leave a message with our friendly receptionist, Rosa. We will return your call sooner or later.
Your new fiend,
Nathaniel W. Greer
*The information contained herein is not a complete description of all terms, conditions and exclusions applicable to the products and services described. For complete descriptions of the terms, conditions and exclusions of coverage’s, please contact our company. Products and services referenced herein may not be available in all jurisdictions. The information contained herein was believed to be accurate at the time it was posted, but most likely does not apply to you.